I Dream of Herbert
by xWendyx
Summary: Meg Halsey is convinced that her friend Danielle Cain is having a relationship with her weird roommate, but she's just his assistant. That's all she wants. OR IS IT? HerbertxFemale!Dan


_I like the idea of Dan Cain as a woman, so I wrote this to get one fic of it out there, and also to attempt to parody some characterizations of Herbert West. This is meant to be silly! :)_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Re-Animator or any of its characters, no matter their gender!  
_

* * *

Megan Halsey and Danielle Cain had been best friends since grade school, and had been studying together since high school, so it was glaringly obvious to Danielle when Meg kept fidgeting and glancing at the front door. She couldn't even blame the Vietnamese food tonight; Danielle was boycotting the restaurant until they got rid of the rats in the walls. Finally, Danielle couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay, _what _is your problem?"

Meg turned to her, wide-eyed, and put on her cheesiest grin. "Nothing's wrong! What are you talking about?" She darted her eyes around nervously.

"Don't lie to me, blondie, you're acting like the house is possessed. Which it's not. Not anymore, the landlord was very insistent."

"It's nothing, I-" Meg broke off and sighed. She slammed her book closed and stared down at it blankly. Danielle slumped down into the couch and groaned.

"He's not here, you know," Danielle said impatiently.

Meg laughed, tinkling and fake. "Who, West? I know, I don't care when he's here! I mean, it's not like you can even tell when he _is _here. He's always in the basement, or lurking in his room…what does he do in there, anyway?"

"Don't know, don't care," Danielle replied nonchalantly.

"How can you not know? He lives with you, doesn't he?" Meg suddenly narrowed her eyes. Her attempts to look imposing were always comical. "What do you two really do together?"

"Not this again…"

"I'm serious, Danielle! I'm your friend and I have a right to know all of your deepest, most horrible secrets."

"There is nothing going on between-"

"Is he any good?"

"Huh?"

"Come on, tell me! I've never been with a nerd, I've always been curious if they make up for their social impediments in the bedroom."

"Jesus Christ! For the last fucking time, Meg, I am not sleeping with Herbert West! And yes, I know he's my seemingly single, male roommate but we have a completely professional relationship. Nothing, and I exaggerate _nothing!_...is going on between us."

Meg looked almost disappointed. "Fine, I suppose I have to believe you." She opened her book again, but after a moment a devilish grin broke out on her face. "But you know...I bet you wish something was going on."

Danielle looked at her incredulously. "Do not even."

"I can tell. He's creepy beyond words and probably cries when he masturbates but he has that mysterious vibe about him and I know you like him."

"Dr. Hill really needs to stop talking to your dad."

"I bet you fantasize about him operating on you. 'Oh, Doctor! I think I have a sprain below my waist! Why don't you examine it?'" Meg waggled her eyebrows suggestively. Danielle wanted to clock her, but instead, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, her face took on a calm, disturbingly content expression.

"Meg, you are my oldest and dearest friend. I know you are genuinely concerned for me, and I appreciate you all the more for it. However, you're starting to get on my fucking nerves. Herbert West is the weird guy who splits the rent with me. Nothing more, nothing less. And honestly, if you ask me if we're having sex one more time I'll take you outside and curb stomp you. Alright?"

Meg nodded fearfully. Danielle smiled.

"Beautiful."

Herbert came home at around 11:45 that night. Meg and Danielle were watching a documentary about Siberia on the History Channel, when Meg suddenly excused herself, complaining of menstrual cramps, and scooped up her stuff and practically broke down the front door in her hurry to leave. Herbert looked at Danielle blankly. She shrugged. He removed his overcoat and hung it on the stand.

"I'll be in the basement," he said without even breaking his stride. Danielle watched him until he disappeared down the hallway. She heard the door slam and chuckled to herself.

_Meg is delusional, _she thought. _Herbert West has no appeal about him whatsoever. _She turned off the television and headed to her room.

As she lay in bed, she was enraged when her thoughts kept drifting back to Meg and her crazy accusations. She tried to push them out of her mind but damn it if Meg hadn't learned suggestive speech from somebody.

_"Is he any good, Danielle? Herbert West… You like him, don't you? Nerds… Herbert West… He's creepy, Danielle! I bet you fantasize about Herbert West…West…Weeeeesssssst…"_

It felt like no time had passed at all had passed when Danielle's alarm went off at 7:00 AM. She didn't recall ever having felt this good in the morning. Smiling, she stretched all her limbs and pushed back the covers. Two birds sat on her windowsill, chattering away. Danielle sighed dreamily. She walked to her closet and selected her frilliest dress, and strode out into the hallway and skipped to the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator door and studied the contents carefully. After a moment, she finally selected some lime green Kool-Aid. When she closed the door, she something in the corner of her eye and turned.

Herbert stood with his arm leaning against the door frame, his eyes lowered and his smile suggestive.

"Good morning, Miss Cain," he timbered. He removed his arm and walked casually over to her. Danielle blinked.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked, confused.

He chuckled. "Nothing's wrong with me, Danielle. I just discovered a most interesting specimen, is all." He stopped in front of her and looked at her expectantly. Danielle raised an eyebrow.

"Uh…what was it?"

"You." Danielle squeaked as Herbert grabbed her waist and pulled her up against his body. She looked up at him, her eyes wide with fear.

"What's going on?" she cried. She struggled against his arms but he only clung to her more. He took her chin in his hand and she froze.

"What's the matter?" he said softly. They were so close that Danielle could feel his hot breath on her face. "Isn't this what you want?"

Danielle's jaw dropped. "Wh-What? What are you talking about? _Who are you?"_ She shrieked as she felt his hand on her bum. He pulled her waist so close to his that she could feel…everything. He smiled seductively.

"I'm Herbert West, and I want you, Danielle Cain." His lips plunged towards her gaping mouth and he kissed her long and deep. Danielle felt like she should fight back, or slap him, but despite how wrong it felt…it also felt right. So, shrugging, she kissed him back in full. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him even closer. He moaned appreciatively and led her over to the kitchen table. She gasped as he pushed her onto it, knocking over her Kool-Aid and a statue of a cat that she didn't remember buying. He began to trail kisses down her neck, and she sighed as he unbuttoned the front of her dress.

"Oh, Herbert, take me now," Danielle breathed as his hands found her breasts. He laughed softly into her ear, the feel of his mouth making her lady bits delightfully tingly. "As you wish, lovely," he whispered. With strength surprising for one of his size, he lifted her fully onto the table and wrapped her legs around himself. Somehow he managed to rip her underwear fully from her body without having to pull them down her legs. He removed his belt and threw it dramatically across the room, where it stuck the landing on the top of the dining room chandelier. Danielle watched with morbid fascination as he undid his trousers. He paused and looked down at her.

"Which size would you be more comfortable with?" he asked her. "Regular or monstrously over-proportioned?"

Danielle thought carefully. "Mm…regular."

He nodded. Unzipping his fly, he took hold of his average-sized penis. Danielle pulled him in closer with her legs as he inserted himself into her.

"Oh, Herbert!"

"Danielle…"

_"Oh, Herbert!"_

Sex felt very good. They both made embarrassingly loud noises as Herbert pumped methodically in and out of Danielle. She was pretty sure that there was an earthquake going on outside, because all the furniture and hanging light fixtures were bouncing and shaking. Danielle screamed louder and louder to keep with the atmosphere. Suddenly she heard a loud tapping on the kitchen window. Danielle ceased immediately, while Herbert continued to pound away. She turned and looked towards the cause of the noise. Meg stood outside with her face pressed against the window.

"I knew it!" she cried, her voice muffled. "I knew it, I knew it! I'm going to tell everybody!" She laughed and ran off to some unknown destination.

"Meg, wait!" Danielle broke out into a cold sweat. She looked up at Herbert, who smiled down at her. Herbert West, who never smiled unless it was an apathetic smirk. She swallowed once, her throat uncomfortably dry. Squinting her eyes, she called out, "Meg! Meg, come back! It's not real! This isn't really happening! It's not-"

She opened her eyes.

"-real."

Danielle stared up at the ceiling in her bedroom. She was lying in bed, where she had been all night. She turned over and looked at her clock. 1:17 AM. Covering her eyes with her hand, she slammed back against the pillow. Never had she wanted to run her head through a wall more in her life. Moaning groggily, she sat up and went to get herself a glass of water. As she walked back from the kitchen, she paused and looked down the hallway. The door to the basement was slightly cracked. Obviously Herbert was still working down there; he constantly stayed up until he had to go to work at the hospital the following morning. Danielle walked past her bedroom door and shuffled down the basement steps. She took her usual seat at his working area and watched him. He barely even looked up.

"Danielle, I'm glad you're here. I need you to do something for me…"

"Are you going to push me against the table again?"

Herbert tilted his head slightly to the side and stared at her, one eyebrow raised. "What?"

Danielle cleared her throat loudly. "Nothing. What is it?"

"I need you to cover yourself with meat and paint a target on your back. I'm studying the habits of rabid badgers after the reanimation process. I'm almost positive that they retain their basic, bloodthirsty instincts, but I need to be sure. Here, I have some rancid hamburger patties."

Danielle took the maggot-covered meat in her arms. As she watched him prepare his reagent, she wondered…which Herbert West did she prefer?

Honestly, she wasn't sure.


End file.
